For the last few years I have been hiding from the world, and hiding from myself too. My daily routine consisted of continuous eating of whatever I wanted. Endless cravings that I allowed myself to indulge in. Have you ever had an intrusive thought about a food that just doesn’t stop until you have eaten it?
After years domestic abuse, of being denied a choice, I allowed myself total freedom. The result of this freedom was something I chose to ignore. I wasn’t being kind to myself. I was slowly killing my body under the illusion of self love and choice.
The moment I chose change
Then, last Christmas, I caught a bug that left me feeling unwell for weeks. Christmas is not a time of year I enjoy. My mental health always takes a dip. I pretend to the outside world that I enjoy the peace, but I feel such an intense sadness and loss. It builds up as the day draws closer, then lifts as it moves on to New Year.
Being unwell meant I couldn’t distract myself. Just as I recovered from this, I caught another bug that quickly became a chest infection. That chest infection in turn triggered my asthma. I was seriously unwell, and also totally alone. It was a scary time as I struggled just to breathe. Some days I was using my asthma inhalers on repeat, and even then, my breathing was not improving.
This was the point where I had to finally admit that my inactivity, my overeating, my indulgence , had consequences. Serious consequences.
Feeling weak and helpless made me realise how at risk I was. Whilst I don’t necessarily enjoy my life, I was not willing to give up.
I knew I needed to make a change, and it needed to be big. It wasn’t just about the scale, it was also about feeling safe, feeling in control of my life.
Not my first attempt to loose weight
For the last ten years of my marriage I was on a rollercoaster of weight loss and weight gain. My then husband encouraged me to diet and exercise, but any success was met with accusations of cheating. This led me to revert to regaining the weight which was met with disgust.
All I wanted was to make him happy, but no matter what I did, I failed.
About 5 years ago, after I had escaped, I tried again to lose weight. Back then I weighed a lot less than I do today. I decided to try intermittent fasting. Fasting meant I could only eat between set times. For me this was not before midday and not after 8pm.
Having an 8-hour eating window made me more conscious about snacking. It also made me focus on eating earlier. It was important to count calories to make sure I didn’t just cram food in during the eating window though.
It was going well. I started to see flashes in the mirror of the girl I had lost sight of 15 years before.
My confidence started to grow, I enjoyed the regular compliments at work about how healthy I was looking. Life felt like it was improving. The food I was eating was colourful, interesting, and tasted amazing.
The downside was that I started to notice male attention when I went out.
Trigger warning – the following paragraphs share an experience of sexual assault
One day I was travelling back from London on a train. Due to an incident on the track, all trains were cancelled. Everyone on the packed commuter train I was on all had to get off the train at my stop. I found myself being swept up in the crowd.
I can’t cope with anyone touching me, I felt the panic rising as we moved slowly through the station. I tried to keep a bubble of space around me.
As we inched closer to the stairway to exit the platform, the crowd were pushed closer together. That was when I felt a man start to press himself against my back. I tried to move ahead, but I was running out of space. Each time I moved he simply moved closer still, until I could feel the imprint of him in my back.
In that moment I froze, all of these people around, but I couldn’t speak, or move. Then he was gone, disappeared into the crowd, and I was left with a renewed sense of shame.
This ended my effort to regain myself. The fear overwhelmed me again, I didn’t feel safe anywhere.
Over the years that followed I slowly gained weight. I added 4 stone, and 3 dress sizes, (as long as I only bought clothes with lots of Lycra).
Why now, and why Mounjaro
This time has to be different, not just in losing the weight, but also in gaining emotional and physical strength. I need to work on becoming physically strong, and also being brave. I can’t keep hiding just in case. I need to take back my power, take back my health, and take back my life.
Eighteen months ago I met a woman at work who was using Wegovy. She mentioned it had reduced her appetite. She had little interest in foods like cake and chocolate. This change was significant for her.
When I got home I initially looked it up, but thought it was out of my reach financially.
Over the next year I heard a lot on the news about these so-called skinny jabs. I contacted my doctor’s surgery to ask about weight loss help. All they sent me was a link to sign up for a referral to a weight loss service. They warned me there was a 2-year waiting list to be seen.
It all seemed pretty hopeless.
Not just a step, but a giant leap
After my bout of sickness at the start of the year, I realised I simply had to find the money. The amount I was spending on takeaway food alone would more than cover the cost. If I was already outspending my income, surely it was better to be overspending and getting healthier. I was risking reaching a point where my chances of turning things around would have vanished.
So I went to my online pharmacy and completed the online assessment. To some that would be a small act, to me it was a monumental change. I was finally admitting I had a problem, and taking action to change.
What do you think?
What are you thoughts about Mounjaro or other weight loss jabs? Have you considered trying them? Are you already taking them? Do you think they are the wrong choice?
I would love to hear your thoughts, views, hopes and fears.
Please drop a comment below, or send me a message via the contact form.
Your message has been sent
healingindoses.co.uk 
Leave a comment